On Real Love

So I am about six months into my pregnancy now.

My baby has moved from being a little bump causing much exhaustion and nausea, to a little person in her own right. I am already so in love with her, and am impatient to hold her in my arms.

It's as if I had this concept of what it means to love someone, and she's teaching me that I don't know the half of it. She is already my everything.

In our quiet moments she gives me a swift kick as if to say, "hello mommy, have you forgotten about me?".  In our recent scans she moves all over and pushes up against me, and I think, yup that's definitely my child. Each photo taken, she poses beautifully, knowing full well how proud I am of her and how I want to show her off to family and friends.

After many years of loving and taking care of other people's children (and enjoying it) I cannot wait to kiss, cuddle, teach, learn from and take care of my own baby girl.

There are moments in the day when I put my hand to my belly, and feel such an outpouring of love for her (getting a bit teary eyed in the process) even though I have never laid eyes on her. It is a beautiful, crazy feeling that you cannot fully explain until you've gone through it yourself. I have prayed for so long to be a mom, and feel incredibly blessed to be given the opportunity to both carry my child and become a mother.

My body has changed shape in a crazy way, and I try to be gentle with it. I used to think of my body only in an aesthetic sense: how it looked in a dress, whether my husband thought I was beautiful, whether it was fit enough to hike. Now I am in awe. Every day if grows and sustains another human being. It's a little heavier and more achey than I would like, but it's performing a much greater purpose now. Carrying a baby is physically demanding (in a way I didn't understand before), and I am so proud of what my body is capable of doing.

My husband has been amazing, not just in terms of being emotionally supportive, but also by physically providing for us three. He has been cooking, doing laundry and carrying grocery bags all whilst dealing with a teary mess (that would be me).

Him and our baby girl already have their own special relationship (some days she will kick only for him) and I joke (only just) about how I will struggle for his attention once she is here.

I tell Matt's family that I'll be lucky if I get to hold her once he's home in the evenings, and I know I'll only really be needed to perform two very specific functions: breastfeeding and nappy changes. Really though, I wouldn't want it any other way.

I know my Matthew is going to be an amazing father, and I cannot wait for the next stage of our lives to begin...