On Real Love

So I am about six months into my pregnancy now.

My baby has moved from being a little bump causing much exhaustion and nausea, to a little person in her own right. I am already so in love with her, and am impatient to hold her in my arms.

It's as if I had this concept of what it means to love someone, and she's teaching me that I don't know the half of it. She is already my everything.

In our quiet moments she gives me a swift kick as if to say, "hello mommy, have you forgotten about me?".  In our recent scans she moves all over and pushes up against me, and I think, yup that's definitely my child. Each photo taken, she poses beautifully, knowing full well how proud I am of her and how I want to show her off to family and friends.

After many years of loving and taking care of other people's children (and enjoying it) I cannot wait to kiss, cuddle, teach, learn from and take care of my own baby girl.

There are moments in the day when I put my hand to my belly, and feel such an outpouring of love for her (getting a bit teary eyed in the process) even though I have never laid eyes on her. It is a beautiful, crazy feeling that you cannot fully explain until you've gone through it yourself. I have prayed for so long to be a mom, and feel incredibly blessed to be given the opportunity to both carry my child and become a mother.

My body has changed shape in a crazy way, and I try to be gentle with it. I used to think of my body only in an aesthetic sense: how it looked in a dress, whether my husband thought I was beautiful, whether it was fit enough to hike. Now I am in awe. Every day if grows and sustains another human being. It's a little heavier and more achey than I would like, but it's performing a much greater purpose now. Carrying a baby is physically demanding (in a way I didn't understand before), and I am so proud of what my body is capable of doing.

My husband has been amazing, not just in terms of being emotionally supportive, but also by physically providing for us three. He has been cooking, doing laundry and carrying grocery bags all whilst dealing with a teary mess (that would be me).

Him and our baby girl already have their own special relationship (some days she will kick only for him) and I joke (only just) about how I will struggle for his attention once she is here.

I tell Matt's family that I'll be lucky if I get to hold her once he's home in the evenings, and I know I'll only really be needed to perform two very specific functions: breastfeeding and nappy changes. Really though, I wouldn't want it any other way.

I know my Matthew is going to be an amazing father, and I cannot wait for the next stage of our lives to begin...

On Being Pregnant

Being pregnant comes with a host of realisations:

1) I will never not be tired again. I thought this one would be reserved for after the baby's birth, but as it turns out you spend the first three months of pregnancy alternating between nausea and exhaustion, and as I hear the last three months uncomfortable and exhausted. I keep waiting for that three month sweet spot in the middle of pregnancy when I apparently get to be super-Jenny again
2) It is unlikely I will ever get to wake up at 10h00 again, pretend the world doesn't exist, and spend the rest of the day reading my favourite book or watching an entire season of my favourite series whilst wearing my most comfy pj's
3) Having to give birth is inevitable...and just a little scary
4) Everyone will have an opinion about your pregnancy and what you should and should not be doing
5) Having dedicated myself solely to childcare previously (being an au-pair) it occurs to me that trying to balance being a mom, a wife, an employee and managing a household may not be entirely the same experience
6) My OCPD will have to be overcome. My pristine grey fabric couch will never look the same again; our lounge will become the playroom; my complete set of duck egg cups and plates may not stay that way for very long and there will always be a pile of laundry to be done
7) I will be a little bit fat for a little while
8) My husband and I will have to adjust to decreased date nights; fewer long conversations and cuddles on the couch etc. Basically the time of being "just us two" is nearing an end, and I will probably have a more difficult time adjusting to this than my husband, so I try to savour the moments of togetherness while I still can
9) And finally babies can be expensive. Between doctors visits (that you thought would be covered by your medical aid but aren't); nappies; covering three months of unpaid maternity leave and childcare (once I'm back at work) there is alot to consider and save for

But then...I think about how I finally get to raise a child of my own; I think of how his/her hair will smell when I rock them to sleep at night; I think of pastel onesies and soft baby-sized socks; I think of staring down at the most beautiful face in the entire world whilst nursing; I think of watching soccer games with Matt, me and baby inbetween (dressed in team colours of course); I dream of passing on my love of nature and reading, and I think of what it will feel like to be called mom. I will finally understand that feeling of "having your heart walking around outside your body". I spend my time wondering if baby will be quiet, shy, sweet and creative or loud, sociable, mischevious and affectionate? Either way I know that his smile will melt my heart, in much the same way that his daddy's did.

Being pregnant is equal parts worry and excitement...and yet I wouldn't dream of having it any other way. I cannot wait to meet my baby and hold him in my arms