Being A Momma Is Not For Sissies

I said to Heloise the other day (and I stand by my statement) that being a momma is not for sissies.

Being a mom is incredibly rewarding, a calling if you will, but something they don't tell you is....it's tough!

3 months in and I have learnt the following:
1) Having a baby makes you so vulnerable. You worry about their health and safety every minute of every day. You worry if you're doing the right thing, you'll make a decision and then instantly second guess yourself. You'll get it wrong and try to do better next time
2) Getting an appointment with a paediatrician is a bit like winning the lottery
3) Babies will make you broke. You will buy every piece of expensive baby equipment you swore was a waste of money, in an effort to stop the crying - cot mobiles; rocker/bouncer seats etc.
4) You will find yourself defending/protecting/fighting for your child with a momma bear voice and attitude you never knew you had
5) People are full of well meaning, yet stupid advice and opinions
6) You will never truly be alone again
7) You will never get to eat a hot meal start to finish, or drink a whole cup of tea again. Hannah is honestly the best diet I have ever been on
8) Say goodbye to a good night's sleep. Even when they're in dreamland you will wake up to check on them...are they too hot/too cold/comfortable/still breathing?
9) You thank your lucky stars you only conceived the one baby and not the set of twins you were initially hoping for
10) You will find yourself late at night asking an infant, who cannot speak, what else you can possibly do to stop their crying, and waiting in vain for a response
At this same point (late late at night) you and your husband will turn on each other out of pure frustration and weeks of accumulated sleep deprivation. It's not worth it - being on the same team is critical. You need your spouse's love and support more than ever
11) Oh, the medical bills! You will find yourself facing a mountain of medical insurance jargon designed to both confuse and incite fear. All it basically means is that they're not prepared to pay for what the doctors deemed a "medical emergency"
12) No one really wants to help put your baby to sleep or allow her to remain in that state - they just want to play with her, even if it means you'll suffer the consequences later that same night. An overtired and overstimulated baby is no fun
13) Time is a luxury you no longer have - use it wisely! Use whatever resources you have at your disposal; do what you deem as most important and delegate/leave the rest for later
14) Taking hourly shifts either rocking Hannah or getting some sleep is the only way Matt and I manage to stay sane and not have broken backs in the morning. I never thought the day would arrive where I would be excited by the idea of going to bed at 8:30PM
15) You cannot spoil a child by loving/snuggling/holding her too much
16) Those moms who make it look so easy are either lying, or have loads of home help
17) And yes...one gorgeous smile, laugh or gurgle from Hannah makes it all worthwhile

On Real Love

So I am about six months into my pregnancy now.

My baby has moved from being a little bump causing much exhaustion and nausea, to a little person in her own right. I am already so in love with her, and am impatient to hold her in my arms.

It's as if I had this concept of what it means to love someone, and she's teaching me that I don't know the half of it. She is already my everything.

In our quiet moments she gives me a swift kick as if to say, "hello mommy, have you forgotten about me?".  In our recent scans she moves all over and pushes up against me, and I think, yup that's definitely my child. Each photo taken, she poses beautifully, knowing full well how proud I am of her and how I want to show her off to family and friends.

After many years of loving and taking care of other people's children (and enjoying it) I cannot wait to kiss, cuddle, teach, learn from and take care of my own baby girl.

There are moments in the day when I put my hand to my belly, and feel such an outpouring of love for her (getting a bit teary eyed in the process) even though I have never laid eyes on her. It is a beautiful, crazy feeling that you cannot fully explain until you've gone through it yourself. I have prayed for so long to be a mom, and feel incredibly blessed to be given the opportunity to both carry my child and become a mother.

My body has changed shape in a crazy way, and I try to be gentle with it. I used to think of my body only in an aesthetic sense: how it looked in a dress, whether my husband thought I was beautiful, whether it was fit enough to hike. Now I am in awe. Every day if grows and sustains another human being. It's a little heavier and more achey than I would like, but it's performing a much greater purpose now. Carrying a baby is physically demanding (in a way I didn't understand before), and I am so proud of what my body is capable of doing.

My husband has been amazing, not just in terms of being emotionally supportive, but also by physically providing for us three. He has been cooking, doing laundry and carrying grocery bags all whilst dealing with a teary mess (that would be me).

Him and our baby girl already have their own special relationship (some days she will kick only for him) and I joke (only just) about how I will struggle for his attention once she is here.

I tell Matt's family that I'll be lucky if I get to hold her once he's home in the evenings, and I know I'll only really be needed to perform two very specific functions: breastfeeding and nappy changes. Really though, I wouldn't want it any other way.

I know my Matthew is going to be an amazing father, and I cannot wait for the next stage of our lives to begin...

On Being Pregnant

Being pregnant comes with a host of realisations:

1) I will never not be tired again. I thought this one would be reserved for after the baby's birth, but as it turns out you spend the first three months of pregnancy alternating between nausea and exhaustion, and as I hear the last three months uncomfortable and exhausted. I keep waiting for that three month sweet spot in the middle of pregnancy when I apparently get to be super-Jenny again
2) It is unlikely I will ever get to wake up at 10h00 again, pretend the world doesn't exist, and spend the rest of the day reading my favourite book or watching an entire season of my favourite series whilst wearing my most comfy pj's
3) Having to give birth is inevitable...and just a little scary
4) Everyone will have an opinion about your pregnancy and what you should and should not be doing
5) Having dedicated myself solely to childcare previously (being an au-pair) it occurs to me that trying to balance being a mom, a wife, an employee and managing a household may not be entirely the same experience
6) My OCPD will have to be overcome. My pristine grey fabric couch will never look the same again; our lounge will become the playroom; my complete set of duck egg cups and plates may not stay that way for very long and there will always be a pile of laundry to be done
7) I will be a little bit fat for a little while
8) My husband and I will have to adjust to decreased date nights; fewer long conversations and cuddles on the couch etc. Basically the time of being "just us two" is nearing an end, and I will probably have a more difficult time adjusting to this than my husband, so I try to savour the moments of togetherness while I still can
9) And finally babies can be expensive. Between doctors visits (that you thought would be covered by your medical aid but aren't); nappies; covering three months of unpaid maternity leave and childcare (once I'm back at work) there is alot to consider and save for

But then...I think about how I finally get to raise a child of my own; I think of how his/her hair will smell when I rock them to sleep at night; I think of pastel onesies and soft baby-sized socks; I think of staring down at the most beautiful face in the entire world whilst nursing; I think of watching soccer games with Matt, me and baby inbetween (dressed in team colours of course); I dream of passing on my love of nature and reading, and I think of what it will feel like to be called mom. I will finally understand that feeling of "having your heart walking around outside your body". I spend my time wondering if baby will be quiet, shy, sweet and creative or loud, sociable, mischevious and affectionate? Either way I know that his smile will melt my heart, in much the same way that his daddy's did.

Being pregnant is equal parts worry and excitement...and yet I wouldn't dream of having it any other way. I cannot wait to meet my baby and hold him in my arms

I Never Want To Stop Learning

I had this thought last night...

...I never want to stop learning.

I don't mean in the traditional studying toward a degree or diploma sense, because the thought of that just fills me with panicky dread. I think back on those 2AM alarms which I set to study my chemistry or biochemistry textbooks the morning of the exam, and I immediately feel nauseous.

I mean, in the pick up a book from the library, watching a you-tube how to video, finding an older mentor, attending a specialised conference, attending a film festival, watching a documentary, discovering old music, reading one of the great novels sense.

We become so filled with fear as we get older; afraid to make mistakes and be thought a fool; afraid to be different from those we choose to surround ourselves with.

We also become so stagnant; watching the same mind-numbing junk on television over and over again; going to the same restaurants; meeting with the same people; travelling on the same roads to the same places. Our minds thrive on change, diversity, challenges and new environments.

There are still so many things I want to know how to do before I die: study the psychology of human behaviour for fun; write my mom's life story; learn how to sew (and quilt in particular), mosaic and fix my own car; take an introductory photography course; make the perfect cappucino; run a 10km race; hike Fish River Canyon; travel to every one of my must-see-before-I-die destinations (only the list keeps on getting longer); read every one of the books on the "hundred books to read before you die" list (I'm proud to say that I've already knocked a few off of the list); plant my own vegetable garden (which hopefully grows to the point that I can harvest them); learn about stamp and coin collecting; volunteer for an NGO; study a finance course just for me; learn to rally drive; learn about copywriting and brand management; take a cooking or baking class. Why? Because these things interest me. Not because I want to change my profession or be something I'm not, but because I think we are all so much more than we allow ourselves to be. We're layered; multi-faceted and complex. We're meant for more.

I went through a phase in my life where I only read classic novels. Wuthering Heights; Sense and Sensibility; Pride and Prejudice; the collected works of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. I spoke in old Edwardian English for weeks. It was beautiful. I need to make more time to do things like that. Things that expand my mind and bring me joy.

I also went through a foreign films phase: Amelie and Ignorant Fairies. I wasn't sure I was going to like them at first but I now count them among my favourites.
I rediscovered my brother's extensive music collection with the likes of Tom Petty; Bob Seger and the Silver Bullet Band; Aerosmith; Bob Dylan and the Beatles. I may be nearly 31 but I'm proud to say I know and like the music of Edith Piaf and Nina Simone when most of my generation would be asking: Who?

I annoy people sometimes by asking alot of questions. I know I pry but I'm interested in what you do; how you do it and why? What lead you here; why you keep on choosing to do what you do.

I never want to stop learning...

Jenn's Favourite Blogs

Everyone has that one hidden shameful thing that they do when they want to escape from the world.

For some that's a few glasses (or a bottle) of wine; for others it's a whole season of "Keeping up With the Kardashians" or a particularly challenging level of Candy Crush...but for me it's reading blogs.

I remember reading my first blog post five years ago and feeling so incredibly inspired. I had no idea that people across the world dedicated so much time and energy into sharing their life's passions and experiences through their blog.

From that day forward I was hooked.

Nowadays you can find blogs dedicated to everything from: finances, DIY, cult classic movies, photography, reviews from self-confessed coffee geeks, small space living, whittling, nail art, food, travel, fashion and more. There's even a lady is S.A. whose whole blog is dedicated to the crafts (buttons etc.) she makes from avocado pips. Whatever your passion you can be sure to find someone, somewhere in the world to share it with.  It may take some time for you to find your voice, but when you do, the whole world can become your community.

All blogs are not created equal however, so here it is, my favourite go-to blogs:

TRAVEL:
- Nomadic Matt
This was the first blog post I ever read. I remember reading his "Everyone Says I'm Running Away" blog post about ten times, and then afterwards bookmarking it so that I could go back and read it again. That's how much it spoke to me. Matt has such a unique voice and perspective on each place that he travels to. I especially love that he is a "budget" traveller and that he teaches others, and features other travellers, who do the same. His travel hacks are certainly worth a read as he actually used these to fund his own travels.
Nomadic Matt doesn't travel as much anymore (being based in New York after years of travelling the globe) but I still go back to his blog to re-read his inspirational stories and amazing writing.
- Getting Stamped
Can you say phenomenal travel photography and self-maintained travel website? Their Moroccan "Drunk on Colour Tour' was perhaps my favourite of their travel photography. I love that they feature some unique destinations which are off of the well-worn traveller path; that they hike; and their comprehensive Koh Lipe travel guide which features some exquisite beach photography. If that doesn't make you want to get off of your butt and travel the world then nothing will.
Hannah and Adam are currently travelling, by converted camper, through all 50 states. Seattle is still my favourite state (just saying).

PERSONAL FINANCES:
- I am That Lady
I first found Lauren and Mark through their YouTube video blogs. What an honest, open and down-to-earth couple. Their easy to follow advice and opening up about their own financial journey, really makes you feel that if they can get out of debt, then you can too.  I love that they have such a variety of content so there's something for everyone to read, from the crafty stay-at-home mom to the working married couple looking to cut down expenses or supplement their income. Lauren's money saving tips related to groceries and meal planning alone is worth it's weight in gold. My favourite "I am that lady" content is actually her early YouTube videos sharing her financial journey and advice. Watching these you can really see how passionate she is about personal finance.
- Our Debt Free Family
I love that when Monica writes, it's as if she's talking to her best friend. Monica is ridiculously organised, and open about her and her family's ambitious financial goals, which are to be debt free and have their mortage paid off by the age of 40. Monica also features many inspirational people who are either in the process of getting out of debt or who are now debt free.  One of my favourite Monica posts is "how to recover from a setback on your debt free journey".

MOMMY BLOGS:
- Nieniedialogues
I first found Stephanie through her memoirs which I purchased from a local book store. I am one of those people who purchase a book based on the cover (shameful I know). The beautifully designed, colourful cover was the reason I picked it up in the first place.
The way Stephanie wrote about her husband in particular really touched me. It was so tender and loving.
I finished reading her book in a day and a half and then got started on her archived blog posts. That took me a few days longer to get through.
What an amazing mom. Her family's life makes me long for a simpler, happier way of being, than what our culture currently tells us we should want for our lives. Finding joy, satisfaction and purpose in being a wife and mother speaks to me. It truly is a calling. I also love that Stephanie tries to find the good in every day, despite her difficulties. My favourite Stephanie posts are those from when her and her husband were just starting out, with their orange tree in their backyard and going out for ice-cream on their date nights. I also love her posts where the whole family converges on the Nielson family ranch.
- Baby Boy Bakery
How one grieving mama can inspire me to appreciate life more each day is such a gift. Her son Ryan (and now her baby girl Mila) are so beautiful and again, the love with which she describes the act of mothering, really touches me. Jacqui writes as if she is writing for herself, she shares all of her mistakes and imperfections. It's beautifully vulnerable, honest and real and I love that about her. I guess that's why so many people can relate to her.  Jacqui is also besides being a wife and mother, an amazing baker (check out her cinnamon roll and smoothie recipes); very hip, fashionable and on trend. She also takes pretty amazing instagram photos (what a good looking family!)

I have been reading these blogs for so long now that it eventually feels like you know each person. Each of their tradgedies find you silently rooting that things will work out, and each of their triumphs feel like a win for you too.
I especially love it when each of my favourite blog authors list their favourite blogs as I get to discover a whole new world of blogs.

What are some of your favourite blogs?

New Years Resolutions Update

With the new year comes the promise of a fresh start and a year full of possibilities and potential opportunities.

I myself am not immune to making resolutions.  Neither am I immune to the failure to follow up on said resolutions.  So I share them with you today in an effort to hold myself accountable.

Here goes:
1) Sort out my health
2) Sort out our finances
3) Put me first (will get to explaining this one later)
4) I have enough, it's time to start giving back and giving away

Not a short or easy list I know, but I'm aiming high this year.  I want to look back on this year and feel like proud.  I also want to be a more rounded (not rounder) individual.

Apparently the average life span of any resolution is 6-7 weeks, so how am I doing so far?

1) Sorting out my health - Fair:
- Lost 3.6kgs since the beginning of the year.  Woohoo!
- My cholestrol, thyroid, liver and kidneys have passed their blood tests with flying colours
- Haven't actually started exercising, which I need to more for my stress levels than anything else
2) Sorting out our finances - Amazing:
- Now Matt and I both sit down monthly to work on our budget
- We use the cash envelope system to pay for our monthly expenses
- We have spoken about and written down both our 2016 financial goals for our family, as well as financial goals for our future
- I have set up an amazing grocery spreadsheet which I use to record the pricepoints of items we purchase from our local grocery stores. We now only purchase items which are at that pricepoint or lower
- By scanning pamphlets the day prior to grocery shopping, making itemised lists prior to shopping, and purchasing items which are on special in bulk, we have managed to save on average R800 a month on groceries
- We have also been cooking in bulk and freezing portions for our "lazy-to-cook" nights which has stopped us from eating unhealthy, expensive take out.
- We have been switching off plug points when not in use, and switching off our geyser during the day.  This has saved us another R100 on average a month.
- On a monthly basis I have been filing receipts and tracking our purchases
- Best of all Matt and I are both on the same page financially. This has been a huge relief to us both, not wondering where we'll be financially at the end of every month
3) Putting me first - Not so great:
- My goal this year was to invest time and energy in myself first, so that I would have enough time and energy left over to take care of everyone else.  Sometimes we invest so much of ourselves in our job, our marriage, our friends, children etc. that we leave very little for ourselves. A burnt out, tired and frustrated you is not very much use to anybody.
- My goal is to become better at setting boundaries in both a personal and professional capacity. Sometimes in an effort to make everybody else happy, I end up being unhappy and failing to give the best of myself
4) Having enough, giving away and giving back - also not so great:
- I've been doing great on the not purchasing unneccessary items bit.  Matt has (mostly) been very proud of me.
- In terms of giving away material possessions I did a great job just prior to our move but could definitely afford to let some more 'stuff' go
- In terms of giving back there are so many great organisations close to home that I want to get involved in and volunteer with: iThembalethu; Habitat for Humanity; We <3 Durban; Kenneth Gardens. I just need to make time for something that I know will bring me so much joy

I will hopefully be breaking these down as we go along this year, as each resolution is made up of a bunch of mini-goals.

Wish me luck...I'm going to need it!

A Change In Perspective

Being grateful is a lesson I learn over and over again.

Yesterday I was doing something I felt I ought to, which I felt responsible to do, but which I was doing with an ungrateful heart.

Whilst I was out buying groceries and pondering my situation, I noticed a man behind me with a bag of bare bones in his hand.  It was his dinner. He had left it at the till earlier that day because, after weighing it, he realised he couldn't afford it and had to go back outside (where he worked as a car guard) to make more money. My heart broke. Sometimes (especially in S.A.) you see so much poverty and desperation that you become immune to it. Something about this man was different. When I looked into his eyes I saw such sadness and desperation. I couldn't look away or ignore the situation so, tears in my eyes, I paid for my groceries and waited for him.
I gave him what cash I had on me and he didn't ask why, he just accepted it and said thank you. I feel like on so many occassions God presents me with a situation, and in doing so teaches me a valuable lesson.

On a daily basis we worry about so many stupid things, feeling pity for ourselves and envy for others; complaining about what we perceive to be the worst situation.
We forget that as unhappy as we may sometimes be with our lives that there is someone out there who would trade places with us in a heartbeat; who envies what you and I take for granted. I thought about our rusted, somewhat broken and unreliable car that up until yesterday was the bane of my existence. After meeting that man I took a good look around me at all those who either walk to work or who wait for public transport (often catching two taxis or more to get where they need to be) because they can't afford a vehicle. How lucky are we?

I realised yesterday that I have forgotten where I have come from. Back when I was waitressing for a living, I had only one pair of black pumps which I wore for every one of my five shifts a week. They were smelly and holey, and yet I wore them because they were the only pair I could afford. There were so many customers who were incredibly kind to me during that period of my life.

What happened yesterday reminded me of a conversation Matt and I had recently. Having just moved, I grew tired of unpacking night after night. Before we knew it a month had gone by and only three quarters of our boxes had been unpacked, yet we had all the essentials we needed to get by on a daily basis. We sat and wondered at what was in those remaining boxes and whether we really had any use for what was inside of them. I've come to realise that we have more than enough stuff for one lifetime.

I have therefore made a promise to myself that each time I intend to buy something I don't need this coming year, that I think about that man.

I want to spend this year giving back and giving away, not spending and accumulating more.

And that will be my New Year's resolution.